Inspired by LanguageAsFoodMetaphor and by a line from the second Spanish translation of http://me.veekun.com/blog/2012/04/09/php-a-fractal-of-bad-design/ (a PDF which is basically an annotated, extended version of the original). Quote in English from page 12: ''"PHP's great crime is its complete banality. Its popularity is the living proof that quality is irrelevant: cheap, popular and everywhere always wins. PHP is the reggaeton of programming languages."''

I would rather compare PhpLanguage, based off that description, to a teen pop superstar, like Justin Bieber as of 2014. If you're 13 or younger and just discovered music you'll find it accesible, pleasant, and you'll buy into the millions of dollars they spend on PR that says they're pretty-looking and cool. Their merch (web hosting) is also everywhere and dirt cheap. If you know a little bit about music or are 15 or older, you'll find out their music is complete garbage made with minimum effort for maximum profit. But everybody likes them because it's cheap, accessible and popular, and every now and then it's a little guilty pleasure.

HaskellLanguage: Classical music, based on the pure foundations of music theory. Dominating it is pretty hard. Mathematicians tend to be good at it.

PythonLanguage: Electronic dance music. Completely versatile and comes in many, many flavors, from light and casual house pop to get the party started, powerful dubstep, laidback minimal trance, or badass and aggressive gabber.

JavaScript: Freeform jazz. Just a few rules and you can feel free to bend them as much as you want.

Microcontroller AssemblyLanguage: Chiptunes, where every note is a single tone that sounds in only one single way. A full song is a combination of lots and lots of these single tones.

AMD64 AssemblyLanguage: The harshest, noisiest speedcore ever made in the world.

CobolLanguage: Muzak for executives who want something light and inoffensive. Its musical value is void.

LispLanguage / SchemeLanguage: Twelve-tone technique, uses all notes and its melody depends on the ear of the listener.

BourneAgainShell: The kind of fast-paced, energic music you'd put on a gym to make you work hard.

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Many entries have been added in the past and might be added in the future. You are invited to add your own entry now if you like.
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See also AnalogiesFromMusic
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CategoryMetaphor CategoryHumor CategoryFoodAndDrink